By Rene

So, Jaime & I really didn't need your advice on where to go on our honeymoon. We had it planned from the getgo! Take that random poll! We are going to Egypt! Yes, it will be hot as balls when if we go on August 8th. We decided to celebrate Thanksgiving and our honeymoon at the same time. Egypt won't be ball hot then.

What's the itenerary you ask? Well, allow me to steal from www.adventurecenter.com and let you know.

Day 1

On our first day in Egypt, we basically land in Cairo and zombie travel to our hotel. We will be tired. We will be jetlagged. I'll probably complain about my back or that stupid person who was seated behind me that kept kicking my chair. You know what? WHO CARES! We are in Cairo. We'll try to stay up until 9 so we aren't totally screwed for our journey. All flights that I can see are 6k miles that make a stop in Frankfurt. Maybe I'll sneak a brat when I'm there!

Day 2

We start at the Egyptian Museum to look at all the dead people. I'll be looking for my mummy (that was a POP MTLI joke). After the museum, we head to Giza to look at the Great Pyramids and the Sphinx. To be honest, I'll be looking for a Stargate so I can travel to PX3247 and punch a Goa'uld in the face! Actually, I'm pretty pumped to see the Great Pyramids, as they are the only surving Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. After the oohing and awwwing, we jump a sleeper train and head to Luxor. Yes the casino. Stop trying to be funnier than the writer.

Day 3

When we get to Luxor, we transfer to a boat, the M/S Melodie. Not sure what the M/S stands for. I'm sure I can ALT-T to create a new tab on this browser and google it, but the fun is guessing. Magisty's Sailboat? Multiple Sclerosis? Moving Shit? You try! I promise this is a fun game. We will be aboard the boat for a week, and this boat has a sundeck with a Jacuzzi and a few bars. Apparently Luxor is famous for their ice cream. I guess Ra had his own queen named Daarie. We also do a laser light show at the Luxor Temple.

Day 4

Valley of the Kings! Neat 'eh? Too bad we have to get up at 4 am to see it. We actually ride donkeys to get there. I shall pre-emptively name my donkey Cuddle Jr, in honor of my horse Cuddle from our trip to Hawaii. The trip has a few tombs, and, with an additional cost, we can go see King Tutankhamun as well. I'll do that just for the bit potential. The afternoon, we get to wander around, probably buying chiclets and trinkets, then heading south on the Nile towards Aswan. We sleep moored on the town of Edfu, one of the original Fu-Shnickens.

Day 5

Most of the day will be spent on our asses, cruising down the Nile. I'm sure we will be playing Uno and drinking something. We do end up at Komombo, which has a temple dedicated to crocs. I hate those shoes, so I don't know if we will be going in. Actually, there are mummified crocodiles, which sound neat and weird, just like Jaime's half brother Jeffrey!

Day 6

We finally arrive at Aswan. We will be going to the Temple of Isis at Philae and hiding our valuables at the Nubian Bazaar. I wonder if everything you buy has the Brand Nubian. Thank you for the 5 people that get that old school hiphop reference. We will also get twisted and be camel riders. Thank you for the zero people (okay maybe Sean Seibel) who get that 2007 dance music reference.

Day 7

This is where Egypt gets us. We could spend all day wandering Aswan, or we could spend some extra USD and go see Abu Simbel. I don't plan on making frequent trips to Egypt, so I guess we splurge and go (via plane) check out the awesomeness of Abu Simbel. Too bad the $215/each flight isn't included. Still, this guy ain't taking the bus.

Day 8

Back on the boat and head back to Edfu. More Uno will be played, and I'll probably complain about the crappy pillows on the boat. Hopefully, Jaime will have pooed by now. I'll have dysentary. Yes parents, I realize I shouldn't joke about things like that. I crossed a line. I wish I could take it back. I can't. I'm typing in permanent keyboard and don't have a backspace key.

Day 9

We party in Edfu again, and visit the temple of Horus. I think of Lost when I think of Horace. He should be building a cabin. There are a lot of secret passages in the temple. I wonder if any of them go to the conservatory or billiard room.

Day 10

We are back in Luxor to take a bus to Hurghada on the Red Sea. We party in a resort and can go snorkelling or scuba diving. I really want to scuba in the Red Sea. It's supposed to be the best place. I gotta convince Dr Wife (by then!) to take a scuba lesson. We will also relax on the beach and do a commercial for Corona, but use something that doesn't suck. I don't think there are Shiner Bocks there.

Day 11

After a butt-early wakeup, we take a hydrofoil (which must be some type of high tech teleportation device) to the Sinai Peninsula. After gazing at the wonderful water & reefs, we spend the night at the foot of Mt Sinai next to St Catherine's Monastary. I hope there is a bible written in hieroglyphics. We gotta crash early because we have a long walk the next day.

Day 12

We rise at oh-dark-thirty to make the trek to Mt Sinai before sunrise. The goal is to get us to Mt Sinai to watch the awesomeness of the sunrise. Mt Sinai is where Moses recieved the Fifteen Commandments. The 5 on the third tablet that broke include "Thou shall not be a douchebag", "Thou shall not spillith thy gift of thine earth in thy Gulf of Mexico", "Thou shall nay root for the Celts o Boston", "Spreadth humanity with fives of high", and "The children of the world, Jaime and Rene, be filled with baddassery". Then we head towards Cairo via the Suez Canal.

Day 13

Are we sick of museums yet? If we are, we can go to the crystal clear beaches to swim. If we aren't, we can go to the Egyptian Museum and tour the Roman Catacombs of Com el Shuqafa. I'm guessing we will just hit the beach, but who knows. It's our honeymoon. We can do what we want to! Then we sip tea by the lighthouse of the Pharos. Another Lost reference? Dun dun dunnn.

Day 14

We are finally cleared of jetlag. What better way to celebrate this besides going to Cairo and roam around. More bazaars and fun wandering.

Day 15

Go back to the sphynx and steal it, the board a flight back to the US.  I hope we remember our butt pillows for the trip.